


The Rules

by Creatortan



Category: South Park
Genre: Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, Jealousy, M/M, Mutal Pining, On BOTH SIDES, Short Drabble written at 12:30 am lmao, also poor stan, i love these ridiculous fucking idiots, kyle and cartman have always just been obsessed with each other, outsiders perspective, probably, the town ships it, you don’t try to get in between them Stan it’s the rules
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-05 14:33:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13389867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Creatortan/pseuds/Creatortan
Summary: South Park has many rules.1) don’t try to get involved with Kyle Broflovski. You will face the wrath of Eric Cartman. Plus Kyle just isn’t interested, even if he pretends to be.2) don’t try to get involved with Eric Cartman. You will face the wrath of Kyle Broflovski. And Eric isn’t interested and doesn’t try to hide that.3) don’t try to get in between Cartman and Kyle. It never ends well. Just let them get it out of their systems.





	The Rules

**Author's Note:**

> A shitty short ficlet I wrote when I should’ve been sleeping. I love the kyman dynamic as one where they are equally obsessed and possessive of one another because they’re dumb assholes lmao

There were rules in South Park, rules any newcomer would learn quickly. There were a lot of things you don’t talk about, and a lot of things you just didn’t do.

For example: don’t try to get between Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman. Ever.

The two were obviously infamous for their obsession with each other, a “fatal-attraction” if you will. Since childhood a good, meaty chunk of their lives was dedicated solely to one another.

Like a magnetic force, they would always end up right back where they started: toe-to-toe and scowling.

If Kyle heard about some plot Cartman was getting up to without him, he’d drop everything to stop him, proclaiming it as his moral duty. Even if he didn’t care about any other corrupt forces going on in town.

If Cartman realized Kyle had stopped engaging with him, he would put a complete and total halt to whatever scheme he had concocted, no matter how much time, effort, and resources were poured into it, no matter how close it was to its goal. If Kyle wasn’t interested, Cartman wasn’t either.

Any conversation with either of the boys could suddenly be interjected by the mention of the other. Once, out of curiosity, Stan tried to count how many times a completely unrelated conversation was sidetracked by Kyle talking about “that fat fuck” again. He lost count after the first fifteen minutes.

There was always an underlying tension to them, though. Always something just below the surface they never talked about. There was a reason they kept crawling back to one another. Something about their dependence stemmed from a fascination, a bond, an attraction.

When they got older their relationship became charged with hormones and repressed thoughts. Their fights became more physical, and it became a common sight to see Kyle straddling Cartman’s waist as he wailed punches to his face, or Cartman slamming Kyle to the wall, forearm braced over the redhead’s neck while their teeth were bared. They panted into each other’s mouths, gazes hard and locked, feeling the heat and adrenaline stirring in their guts.

Then something in their eyes would shift, just slightly, and they’d push off each other with an annoyed scoff.

Despite their declarations of hatred, they still secretly found satisfaction in the memories of those fights, wondering, imagining, fantasizing about what would happen if they hadn’t pulled away, if a hand had strayed just a little bit lower, if they’d started fighting for dominance in other ways. Growling, sighing, into their bitten lips, unknowingly mirroring one another.

As puberty took its victims the boys found themselves with interested suitors and open minds to experimentation.

Cartman, especially, shockingly, grew into a very handsome young man, with pretty brown eyes and a devastating smirk. His weight spread over his broad shoulders and stocky build. He had the type of sly charisma that made you forget all about the shittier aspects of his personality—at least when he was offering to go down on you.

And Kyle was tall and lean with toned arms from playing basketball. His bright red curls had finally calmed down into something manageable and downright killer against his green eyes. Kyle was the type of boy you’d bring home to your mom, charming and witty.

But it quickly became very well known not to try anything with either of them. It was impossible to have any sort of long-term relationship with either Cartman or Kyle. Anyone who tried would he subject to glares from across the room, passive aggressive comments, or outright sabotage.

Kyle often tried to warn people about Cartman, marching up to them and hissing with a voice of venom and eyes filled with a deceptively muted calm.

Cartman orchestrated smear campaigns, and dug up old drama. Once he got a girl’s ex to take her back, another time he collected reward for a bounty a guy was trying to run from.

But even without outside interference, relationships with Kyle or Cartman are already doomed.

Though they pretend to be open to relationships, Kyle and Cartman are, in reality, not invested.

Cartman, at least, doesn’t hide the fact that he’s not looking for something serious, and uncaringly leaves a trail of one-nights and broken hearts behind him, with a couple of short-term fuckbuddies along the way.

Kyle leaves a long line of dates whose names he can’t remember, and half-hearted conversations that went on one ear and out the other. He acts polite and sweet. He appears, at first, interested in his date, but eventually his mind drifts to Cartman, and it’s a downhill ride from there.

Simply put, any sane human being would just get sick of having their date’s focus be on their worst enemy for most of the night. Those who brace past the first date find it only gets worse, as they’re left ditched at restaurants or holding hands with a ghost that hasn’t been listening for the past twelve minutes because “there he fucking is, over there, that stupid bitch.”

Eventually everyone just learned the rules and stayed away from Kyle and Cartman and left them to dance around each other. It had gotten to the point where the entire town was just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for shit to hit the fan already. When the tension finally broke it would be messy but it would be glorious.

With how obsessed they’d always been with each other, with how much time they spent around one another, with how much touching they did—

No one knew if it would get any better or any worse if they finally manned up and admitted that they had fucking feelings for each other. Lust be damned, the whole town was waiting for the wedding.  
—-  
South Park’s rules hardly changed. Everyone in town knew what you could and couldn’t say, who you shouldn’t talk about, what you couldn’t do.

For example: never get between Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman. Ever.

They marched to the beat of drums that drowned out the rest of the world, and if they decided they were going to start making out in the hallways no one could stop them. Trying to keep their hands above the belt was a fool’s errand and couldn’t be accomplished because Eric and Kyle couldn’t be bothered to keep it clean for more than a few hours at a time. Trying to stop them was suicide.

The one time Stan tried to stop them from dry humping on his couch they just loudly shuffled away to the bathroom to continue. Kyle sounded apologetic afterwards, but Stan knew from the damn look in his eyes he didn’t regret a single thing, especially when he playfully slapped his boyfriend’s ass as he walked out for some snacks.

Kyle and Cartman had viciously carved places just for “them” in their lives, starting from the day they fucking met in preschool until they had dug themselves so deep they couldn’t see anyone else but each other. And that was just the way they liked it.

And if getting laid by his childhood sweetheart kept Cartman from pulling as many dangerous schemes, then it was the way the rest of the town liked it too.


End file.
